*This dish has been renamed due to the country for which the turkey was formerly named's rude and suspicious refusal to allow American troops unfettered access to their soil to more easily slaughter their neighbors. I refuse to honor that type of ingratitude by killing and eating their namesake.
And what sourpuss told us we couldn't smoke at the table?
1 Large Butterball Turkey Freedom Fowl (can substitute Oscar Mayer ballpark franks)
1) As with any chore, the first thing to do is fill a coffee mug with your favorite adult beverage of the day. Remember that cooking can be even duller than childrearing without proper libations.
Scoop out the nasty stuff they stick inside the bird. Gals, this will make you feel like the freedom fowl's gynecologist if you don't use Rubbermaid gloves! Leave the giblets and anything else you find in there on the floor for the dogs.
2) Peel the protective covers off of the NicoDerm patches. Use them to completely cover the bird. Put the Level 1 patches on the white meat and the Levels 2 and 3 patches on the dark meat. (Hostess Tip: Remember to serve yourself breast meat for an added kick at dinner!)
3)Plaster any unused patches up your inner thigh where nosy photographers won't see them. Save a couple to apply directly to your tongue while you mash the potatoes. Remember: Any chore can be turned into fun with the right prescription!
3) Give the bird 30 minutes to absorb all the nicotine. Your adult beverage is probably gone at this point, so by all means pour another!
4) Sometimes, I've had so many adult beverages, I forget to preheat the oven to 375. And if you have gotten this far in the recipe and not done so, you have, too! Silly! So, preheat the oven to 375 and have some ciggies while you flip through a Kountry Krafts magazine while you wait for the oven to warm up.
5) Stuff the popcorn into the nasty, moist center of the bird.
Your freedom fowl should be thoroughly smoked now, so peel off all the nicotine patches.
6) Place the freedom fowl in your now hot oven.
When you hear popcorn flying out of your turkey's freedom fowl's ass, you know that your delectable smoked turkey freedom fowl is ready!
(You watch the spin cycle...err...I mean, "news"...long enough and you end up with a distinct sensation that you probably forgot to load the gun, you really should've worn more comfortable shoes, and having the librarian tied up in the trunk is going to cause alot more problems that it'll solve.)