Friday, August 29, 2003 :::
My feet are surprisingly dirty.
::: at 1:21 PM
Tuesday, August 26, 2003 :::
Okay, I WILL make this fucking post!!
Catalog is now going to be another 3 days late. Fuck it!
So as I'm preparing myself for a little action, lubing up and putting down the drop-cloths etc, he made an interesting comment:
"I'd really rather you didn't wear a condom this time. Don't worry, S(the bf) is cool with it."
Now, most would have frankly declined but me being me, I took the condom off and continued preping as if he had asked me to take my socks off. This attitude has continued for the past few days, as I've been thinking on it, and all I can ever do is shrug. Now, full disclosure. This isn't the first time I've done this. This definitelly wasn't the first time they've done it, as I found out afterwards, after I was found to be "down with it" (not quite, really, but...??), with a deluge of stories. Yet for all the mounting evidence of a huge mistake, again:
This in no way means I'm going to be running of to join the little cults of barebackers that are popping up all over the place. But it sure isn't having the effect that you'd think it would. Most admit to a failing or two, cleansing themselves with the propper amounts of guilt and boozy excuses afterwards. A few vows here and there, and then another weekend rolls around and these newly entrenched values fly off quicker than their pants...sorry, I don't know where that came from...but they remove themselves from it and feel all vindicated and that they can grow from thier mistake....and I'm still standing in a corner yelling "Bullshit!".
I guess the point is, I don't know how I feel about this anymore. I'm not looking for advice, god knows that never works. But points of view are most welcome. Now, don't bother writing if you're just going to spout of the usual batch of statistics and moral codes, cause if you haven't figured it out yet, I've spent the majority of my life side-stepping these kinds of things.
Other thought: (This will be a tad more schizo than usual, mainly cause I'm on a time limit here)
Choice. That's all this is boiling down to. You take the risk everytime, wether you're thinking about it or not. But the degree of danger you're willing to put yourself into is entirley up to you. Or at least you think it is.
Story: I met a very prominent AIDS lobbyist around a month ago. He made it quite clear that he was positive, then made it quite clear that he would like to take me to dinner, and then at some point take me home. He simply said this:
"I'm being honest about my position in life, that's my responsibility. You're responsibility is not making the choice, but sticking by you're choice and accepting any consequences."
Despite hitting that one like a hammer, and another hour of delightful conversation, I declined the invite for dinner and bedroom dancing. Not because he was positive, because he wasn't my type. I feel more ashmamed of that than anything else.
::: at 6:05 PM
Monday, August 25, 2003 :::
Okay, so I didn't follow through on that post I said I would make last week (year...??), but it's kinda hard to post about barebacking when they're nice enough to pay you under the table, and the catalog has been "almost there" for about 4 days, on account of the fact you can't drag your ass out of the house before noon, you stop at Fresh to contemplate the smoothie menu for no less than 30min, earning you the ire of even the cheeriest little vegan girl, the one named Birch or Boat or something, the one who calls everyone "sunshine" in such an honest, and whole hearted way that you convince yourself that she would still chirp "sunshine" even while being knife raped.
::: at 5:44 PM