Friday, August 08, 2003 :::
Yes, it has been a while. Not that I really think I need to apologize...so I won't...but I will offer a concise explanation for my absense over the past few weeks:
Touching, that. The fact that I'm still unemployed, and apparently unhireable by anyone other than the most stuanch affirmative action proponent aside, everything else that has been going on in this gulag has been spiraling downwards, steadily, if somewhat irraticly, for the past month.
To wit: I'm a fucking alchoholic!! I wouldn't really have a problem with this if it weren't for the fact that I reeeaaallly can't afford to be consuming 2 bottles wine, 1 six pack, and various mixed libations on a daily basis. Sure, "stop drinking" is a great idea, but when you're stuck in your apartment for three days on end, ripe with the stench of desperation (and sweat, 'cause yo to po' to buy a air con, dickwad!) smoking in excess of 2 packs of cigarettes a day and letting your petulant little mind wander where ever it pleases, you get just a smidgen manic. Add in my insomnia problem (well I call it insomnia, most would call it paranoia, but it's pretty obvious that I'm not going to trust their point of view) and you'd better believe I'm grappling for a bottle of anything. Yes, I've tried working out till I puke, meditating, umm...puke, and masturbating? I've got someone else to do that for me!
Yes, you heard me!
There is actually a man out there, that, by his own free will, likes spending time with me. He has welding burns on his hands, drives a beat up Ford pick-up truck, and wears Carhartt overalls (stereotype, but a hot one!). Need I explain?
Anyways, he's one of the few good things that has happened. Sometimes 3 times a day.
Back to the crap pile, a friend of mine got drunk, stumbled, and fell off a cliff. No, I'm not kidding. Yes, he did die. Yes, that also made me take a look at the stack of bottles in my apartment and realize that that could very easily happen to me.
I no longer pay rent at the first, but rather in instalments, at the end of the day, to the icy stare of my land-tranny.
One of the few good friends I have here is moving away. I have a distinct feeling that although we've been very close since she moved here, we'll drift apart once she's gone. It's a friendship based around this city, and pobably won't survive once it is taken away from it's context.
I dunno, I'm just getting ambivalent now. My original urge to write today is fading, along with the coffee in my veins, so I'm going to leave this with some words whispered in my ear the other night:
"I can't wait to have you piss down my throat!"
::: at 2:54 PM