My cigarettes aren't strong enough anymore. I'm missing that harsh nip at the back of my throat. There's the romantic bit there!
Playing 'identification' games to keep the mind busy.
Playing out some old scenes, trying to rip out the refererence points.
Playing a game you don't much care for, just in the spirit of occupation.
I'm forgetting how much some things bother me. Relent, release, just breathe. These are not things that factor in as much as they could(should?).
It's not that the situations are sinister, you just make them that way.
Mise en place. Everything in it's place/prepared.
I'm creating an alterior, an alibi, an escape route when I want out!
Two people getting caught in their words. Aiming for a function, but getting nowhere. The humour of the situation is pathetique at best. Perhaps flammable, but not tonight. There's something in the air. It's shit and roses...again.
Why are so many people of power such freaking masochists?
Explanation: Just got off phone with the director a of major gallery here in town (we already have some background [no, not that!], but that's beside the point). Now, whenever we speak his affinity towards me flucuates depending on how much degredation I inflict on him. He starts muttering "Oh my!" and gets all excited (I fear in that way as well!), a grin splitting across his face if I go very far. Now at the opposite end of this spectrum, whenever I've offered up even the most meager of compliments, he very demurely rips a chosen aspect of you're life to shreds.
What up homie? Why yu frontin?
I guess I should just be happy I have someone that gets off on my misdirected agression. But if he keeps putting on good shows, I'm fucked.
There are some serious synaptic misfires going on in my head right now. Too many thoughts, not quite sure how to corral them though, so we are preparing for casualties.
M comes to town tomorrow night. I feel as if I should be at the gym training for this. Cardio or weights? Not enough time for weights, I'll just be sore, focus on cardio, at least then I can out run him if necessary.
Tuesday, April 22, 2003 :::
"In other news, I'm full of crap!"
I promised 24ct diamond earrings, and so far I've got a half eaten muffin and alot of excuses. I've been given a big break, and I'm fucking it up the ass, like, big time. My revisions, so far, consist of small stickman drawings and alot of question marks. "Nothing to see here folks, just mooove along." Fuck!! I thought writing about the dregs of society would be easier, being that I was/am/always-will- be one of them. You just open the floodgates and, wooosh, insta-inpiration. Unfortunately I now realize that certain aspects of my life are somewhat, hmmmm, foggy?
"Gee, I wonder why?"
"Shut up! If it weren't for you we wouldn't be in this mess!"
"Honey, that was your Ego talking. You got a problem with this, go talk to him."
"He fucked off with that doctor. Stupid whore..."
"I didn't see you stoping him?"
"I can't control everything you people do"
"Hey, I don't see you helping any."
"Well if you hadn't pumped so much Finlandia through me, maybee I'd feel a little more commiserable"
"That was your idea!!"
"I wanted one! Don't blame me for your excesses!"
"Don't taunt me, I..."
"Taunt you, I'm just pointing out the facts. Which reminds me..."
"Oh Christ! Here you go. No wonder I can't get anything done. Or at least not while you're around."
"...then there's the Folio bill, my my, 300 days overdue!? You're right on the ball aren't you. Ha ha ha!"
"Hey! You made me spend that on all those 'Polemics' books!"
"Yes, and if you'd read them, rather than gallavanting around like you didn't have a care in the world, we probably wouldn't be having this conversation, now would we?"
"Ugh.I can't win with you! You're an arrogant, self-centred, hypocritical freak!"
"Ha ha ha. Is that the best you can do? No wonder you're in such a predicament."
"Stop fucking TAUNTING ME!"
"Oooooo. The natives are restless!"
"Fuck you, just...fuck!"
"The horror! The Horror!! Ha ha..."
Runt Boy exits in a storm of rage. Brain remains, still laughing maniacly.
Fade to black.
quite funny actually. Well in a bitter, childish, "I get to come back and bite you in the ass" kinda way.
Scoot up kids, it's storytime!
A couple years ago, during Pride Week (oh shut up!), a friend and I decided to go make use of the jovial atmosphere and plentifull booty. We put on our best "urban faggot" outfits (sleeveless shirts, carefully distressed denim, etc.) and sauntered off to one of the many raging parties that was taking place. At one bar, I ended up running into quite the little cutie. Crew cut, hairy arms, goatee, and the name Antonio. He said he was Maltese (I'm a sucker for Meditteranean types) and an architecture student (superfluous). I was quite smitten. After I quick check of kissing skills we decided it would be best to carry on the party elsewhere. Cue music...
Well, let me say that my "skill checking" was a little off that night, but he was still cute, so I decided to actually keep in touch. I called a couple times, he called me, it was..well...whatever. Anyways, he was in school at a University in another town not that far away. It was decided that I would come out and help him relieve some "scholastic" stress. I went off to the bus station, grabbed a ticket, and was on my way.
I arrived, and since it was such a beautiful day, we decided to go swimming. We had an "good" time. I'm not much of a swimmer, so I sat on the side and smoked while checking out the farm boys. I mentioned that maybee we should head back. I was "tired", you know. We got back to his place, manuevered through some annoying roomates who seemed to be quite surprised at my presence. I didn't really pay that much attention, being that I was so "tired". Cue music...
I awaken to him shaking me and muttering something,
"We have to talk" he says...
Me:"wha....rmrrmmm..." I'm not a morning person,
"I don't know how to say this, but..."
"Listen, I don't usually do things so fast..."
"um, I think you should go. I'll drive you back to the bus station, but you have to go."
Me: "um, wha?"
"I'm sorry, well...you just have to go"
Understand that I'm completelly disoriented in the morning. You could set off a bomb next to me and I would probably just mutter something reach for my coffee cup.
We're now in the car. I'm clutching a cup of coffee which I demanded he make before we attempted anything else.
"I'm surprised you're taking this so well."
Wipe the drool off the side of my mouth.
"I'll pay for you're ticket back"
Me: "hmmmm...(low tone growl)"
We're now at the bus staion. I'm still not totally sure what's going on. All I know is that I should be angry, but I'm just to fucking tired to muster the energy.
"Listen, I'm really sorry about all this. It was just...well...I hope we can still be friends...I think I just need some time..."
...he extends his hand, I hand him the coffee cup and light a smoke. I'm stating to wake up. I'm getting a foggy idea of what's going on, and I'm not impressed.
Me:"Go!" more barelly audible growls
He walks off.
I now realize that I've been ditched at a bus station in butt-fuck-nowhere. It's 2 hours till my bus arrives. I'm pissed. I settle in at the designated stop, furiously chain-smoking and muttering things.
2 hrs pass...
...I'm still waiting at the "designated stop" when the bus pulls up. The sign on the bus reads what it should "Kitchener-Toronto". I finish my cigarette and hand my ticket to the driver, who looks at it, punches it, and says "Enjoy the trip!". I snort derisevly and head to a seat and try to get some more rest. The bus starts to pull away...
...I wake up as we pull into an unknown stop. It's not Toronto. I figure it's one of the inbetween stops, until I notice that everyone that's on the bus is now getting off. I go up to the driver and ask where we are,
"Guelph" he says, looking a bit puzzled.
"So where do I transfer" I ask,
"Transfer? This is the end of the line."
"I thought this was going to Toronto? The sign said Toronto..."
"Nope end of the line."
I'm fucking freaking at this point since I'm quickly realizing that I'm about to get stranded in freakin' Guelph at 4 in the morning. I demand that the driver figure out how the fuck I'm supposed to get to Toronto. He says he can radio for the last bus of the night, from back in Kitchener, to wait for me, but I'll have to make my own way back. I tell him "Hold the bus!", and with that I'm out the door and onto the highway, trying to find someone to drive me Kitchener.
I'm now at that point where you're so insanely pissed, that you start getting giddy. By the time a motorist pulls over and asks me "Where ya' headed", I'm cackling like a hyena. Luckily though, the driver isn't turned off by this and agrees to give me a lift. He does, however, drive quite quickly as I regale him with the recount of my day.
Pull up to bus station. I yell a quick "Thanks!" to the driver, who seems quite relieved to see me go, and run up to the bus.
"Are you going to Toronto?" I growl...
"Are you SURE!?"
I throw my ticket at him and head to the back of the bus, sputtering and growling the whole way. Luckily this driver was right, and an hour or so later I'm back in Toronto.
I vow never to take a bus again.
Now, the reason I'm telling you all of this is because I happened to run into someone yesterday. I was quite happy to notice that not only did he he look like shit, but there was a few extra pounds of shit on there to. He did notice me. As I came up to him, he looked me in the eye and suddenly lit up with a big smile. Luckily, before he could say anything, I let out a raucous laugh and carried on. I made sure to turn my head just enough to see him standing there, looking at me, with a wash of dissapointment over his face.
I sallied forth...
...and celebrated with chocolate bundtt cakes and extra strong espresso.
This week is "Staff Appreciation Week" here at MD ("snort"). Here is a slice of the e-mail that was sent around by my office manager, letting us know of today's acticity.
"Today has been designated "Great Job" Day in our office in celebration of Support Staff Appreciation Week.
You have all been given a supply of "Great Job" Certificates to be completed and given out to whomever you choose. You can give out as many or as few as you like. It's a way for you to show appreciation to your colleagues for the things they do for you, or just for being them!!"
Now, I happened to be the recipient of one of these "Great Job!" certificates (mother would be so proud). Here is an excerpt:
"...infact I'm not exactly sure what your "title" is, but thanks for all the little things you do for us..."
There's something just off about 40 year old men that compulsivelly quote The Simpsons. It's as if it's their last hold on popular culture before they slip off into the...well "grey area" (everything implied there). It's even more disconcerting when it comes from highly educated and articulate men with more letters behind their names than in their first and last combined.
I look like a really slutty, 50's sweater boy, or like I beat up and stole the clothes of a Wallpaper model that was around 3 inches shorter than me. This could have looked really swank and chic, but now it's just bad.
I wish Tyler Brule were here so I could watch him cry.
I spent most of the weekend with my friend H. I have a thing for one of her roomates. He's a doctor. He has a boyfriend. I'm pretending not to have morals. We made a lovely easter dinner. We ate far to much. I told a group of people I barely knew that it's alot more difficult than you think to send urine through the mail. I almost got a $5000 fine for smoking in a "non-smoking" portion of the bar. I argued my way out of it (I thought they were kidding!). I went home with a marginally attractive, somewhat annoying doctor. I got to ride in a Porsche. The first thing he did when we got in the door was to tear off my pants and rim me (Since you usually have to jam the person's head down there and clamp them down with your thighs, I was pretty impressed). We did poppers. I spilt them on my face and got it in my eyes, nose, and mouth. I found out my body can produce an insane quantity of mucus. We didn't actually stop having sex while this happened, he just kinda checked-in for updates occasionally ("I can hear you're breathing properly now! Wanna suck me?"). He wants to take me to Ibiza. I wanted a tissue. I gave the subway guy a button, rather than a token. I had to walk from home to work, despite already being 1/2 hr late. I had a strange moment with a squirell. A homeless guy told me I was hot. I haven't had a shower yet today. I spent ALL of my money. I spent some other people's money as well. I've eaten 4 Krispy Kremes since I got to work. My sweat smells like a bar. I want to go home...like NOW!